#4: Strategic indifference.
The fourth pattern might be the most confusing of all, and that’s what I call strategic indifference, and this is where they suddenly seem to completely lose interest in you. So you won’t get calls or texts, and there are no attempts at contact. They might even appear to be thriving, posting on social media about how happy they are, maybe even dating someone new. And let’s be real, this can feel like whiplash if you’ve just been through the escalation and hoovering phases. So you might find yourself thinking, “Okay, wait. I thought they couldn’t handle being ignored. They couldn’t live their life without me. And now here they are thriving two days later without me.” So what they’re doing here is they’re playing a longer game.
The strategic indifference is really designed to make you wonder if maybe you were wrong about them. Maybe they really have changed and maybe they’ve moved on and you’re the one who can’t let go.
And here’s the real dangerous territory for you if you’re in this right now, because you end up wondering if you’re at this point missing out on the relationship you always wanted, because now you’re seeing them giving it to someone else. But the psychology underneath this is still about control and supply. It’s just executed through reverse psychology instead of direct pursuit. So they’re banking on your empathy, your fear of missing out, and your hope that they finally become the person you needed them to be. And the indifference is actually calculated to draw you back in while making you feel like you’re losing something valuable because humans are designed to want what seems unavailable.
Suggested Book: Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse.
So when someone who was so desperately pursuing you suddenly turns and seems indifferent, your own attachment system can get activated. You start thinking about the good times and minimizing the bad ones, and wondering if you made a mistake by pushing them away. But this strategic indifference, much like hoovering, has an expiration date. So once they’ve gotten your attention back, once they feel secure in their supply source again, the old patterns will return. And that is if you get sucked back into it. So if you give in and you start the chase, you are reinitiating those old toxic patterns. They’re not going to go anywhere. The only way those patterns end is by walking away and removing yourself from this situation.
So, they still need external validation to feel stable, and they still lack genuine empathy and respect for your boundaries. The indifference was just another tactic in their playbook.
So, what all of these patterns have in common is that they’re not really about you as a person. They’re about what you represent to them, which is a source of psychological regulation, validation, and control.
But don’t worry about them for a second. Narcissists are really good at avoiding their feelings and avoiding that feeling of threat. So if it doesn’t work with you, maybe they’ll never stop trying to trigger you, but they will move on to a source of new supply and they will get their supply from there. So ultimately, the message for any of you who are in the thick of this right now is, I want you to know that trying to ignore a narcissist as a strategy to get them to change their behavior never works the way people hope it will.
Read More: How Narcissists React When They Think You’re too Strong.
Sharing Is Caring!
