#3: Proxy engagement.
This third pattern we’re going to call proxy engagement. So when direct contact doesn’t work, they’ll use other people to maintain a connection to you. This might look like suddenly being extra helpful to your mutual friends or asking people about you in a way that seems casual but feels kind of invasive. And they might even start drama with someone close to you, knowing that you’ll hear about it, and you might even get drawn in to defend or explain. And sometimes they’ll use your children if you have them together, and suddenly they’re becoming the most involved parent they’ve ever been, but only in ways that require your coordination. Or they’ll create emergencies that seem legitimate, but have a very suspicious pattern of happening right when you’re trying to maintain distance. So they’re trying to maintain psychological proximity even when physical proximity isn’t possible.
For More: Narcissists’ 7 Favorite Catchphrases.
And so essentially they’re looking for any pathway to get back into your emotional world because that’s where they get their supply. Your reactions, worry, your frustration, even your anger, all of those things feed their need for significance and control. So the proxy engagement is particularly damaging because it makes you feel like you can’t fully escape their influence. Even when you think you’ve successfully created distance, they find ways to inject themselves into your life through other people or situations. And this keeps you in a state of hypervigilance, always scanning for their next move.
And if you’re paying attention, you’ll notice the most damaging part of all of this. They’re still occupying significant mental and emotional space. And this proxy engagement often looks innocent or even positive to outsiders. So people might say, “Oh, well, you know what? At least they’re trying, or they really seem to care about you without understanding that the caring is actually just a performance designed to maintain access rather than an expression of genuine concern.
Recommended Book: How To Kill A Narcissist: Debunking The Myth Of Narcissism And Recovering From Narcissistic Abuse.
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