#1: The escalation spiral.
The first thing you’ll notice when you try to ignore a narcissist is what we can call the escalation spiral. So they don’t just accept the silence and move on. Instead, they ramp up their behavior in increasingly desperate attempts to get a reaction out of you. And it usually starts with what seems like reasonable attempts at contact. A text saying that maybe they want to talk or maybe it’s a phone call. But when those don’t work, things get more intense. The messages become longer, more emotional, sometimes even almost apologetic and at other times may be angry. So now they might start showing up in places that they know you’ll be or involve other people, like mutual friends, family members, even maybe your boss in some cases trying to force you back into contact.
So without your reactions to anchor their sense of self, they’re experiencing something that feels like a psychological death. Their brain is sending the message that this is a survival threat. And this is why the behavior often looks so irrational and over the top, because to them it is a matter of survival. They may have some strategy, but they’re executing that strategy in full-on fight or flight mode because they’re desperate to restore the connection that keeps their internal world stable. And the escalation we’re talking about, it’s not random bad behavior that you might be able to train out of them by setting better boundaries. It’s a neurobiological response to what their system perceives as abandonment. And no amount of explaining or reasoning or perfect boundary setting will change this response because it’s not coming from their logical mind.
Suggested Book: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
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