Number 1: Deflect the topic.
I mentioned that narcissists crave praise and admiration, and usually, they will try to trigger that praise by saying something that they did or casually mentioning an achievement. For example, maybe you’ve got a narcissistic coworker who is boasting about a project that they just completed. In any normal situation, it’s great that we are aware of the achievements of those around us because that helps with the team’s morale.
But you know that if it’s a narcissist, then they are going to bash it to your face for 72 hours or more. They want you to say how great, clever, and hardworking they are. That’s the attention they crave. The most intelligent narcissists will even set you up so you are forced to compliment them.
For example, maybe the project was your idea; you suggested that they should do it. They will come to you and say something histrionic like, “I’m in debt to you because this project was your idea.” That will metaphorically twist your arm so you say, “Hey, it was just an idea… it was YOU who put all the effort into it. It’s your achievement.” And most probably, you’ll spot delight in their facial expression. You said what they wanted to hear.
If you want to avoid this kind of situation, you must “train” the narcissist into understanding that they just can’t get their supply from you and that they have to look for someone else. This is how you will respond. It’s a very easy sentence: “Oh, that’s great!” And you will say it for real. You will really mean it, but the magic of that sentence is that it’s absolutely impersonal. There’s no “you” in it, so you are not referring to them personally.
Related: Narcissists and Karma: Revenge Comes Naturally When You Do This.
But what will upset them is what you are going to say next. No matter the achievement, you are going to talk about it impersonally. If it’s a company project, you will say something like, “That kind of project is really needed.” Again, you are not talking about the person; you are talking about what they did.
And this takes advantage of one characteristic of narcissists: sometimes they will do good deeds just to get their supply, just to get your praise. But if you keep the conversation on the achievement, they will be slightly upset. You’ll notice that they try to get the topic back to them. They could say, “I don’t know how I managed to figure out the solution to that,” and then pause to wait for your praise.
And you will nod with your head, looking into the void, saying, “Imagine if this kind of project were carried out in other departments…” You’re nodding, so they think that you’re acknowledging their supremacy. But what comes out of your mouth is another impersonal statement, and what’s more, deflecting the topic away from them. That’s the secret sauce of this first tactic. You deflect the conversation away from the person without changing the topic of what they did. You just talk about it impersonally.
If you want to take this a step further, suggest that they should teach other people to do the same. That would be a covert insult for them because, in their minds, what they did is unique and cannot be reproduced by mere mortals. So remember: deflect topics away from them and keep them impersonal.
Suggested Book: Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself- By Shahida Arabi.
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