Let me give you an example. Let’s say it’s your time, and you’ve made it clear that you’re done for the day, and you’re dealing with this person that you’re trying to check if they’re a narcissist or not. You’re packing up, you’re heading out, and that person stops you, saying, “Wait, before you go, can you help me with one quick thing?” Caveat to this: not everybody that needs to interrupt you is going to be a narcissist. I’m imagining that you guys are in this situation, and you understand the difference between a person who does this all the time, who makes you feel manipulated, and a person who’s just accidentally bumbling along to ask for help. Because the point isn’t to always say no; it’s to say no selectively. And then watch what happens when you do it.
You tell them, “I’ve got to run,” or “Like I said, I have to leave,” or “Like I said, I have an appointment,” or whatever it is. And then the boundary isn’t what you said; it’s what you do at that point. You leave. You don’t explain, you don’t stall, you just keep going. That’s your no, not the words. And then you need to watch. If they accept it and move on, great. But if they tighten their jaw, have a little flash of disgust, or they escalate, like, “Seriously, it only takes 2 seconds,” that’s a push. Or, “Wow, okay, I guess I just figure it out myself,” like, that is passive aggression.
That’s when you need to stop and ask yourself: Are they just asking for help, or are they testing to see if I’m going to yield? Because that moment tells you everything. If it happens once, it might just be frustration or a bad day. But if you keep seeing it happen, if your exits are followed by guilt or fallout or pressure, you’re not in a misunderstanding; you’re in a power play.
Attention boundary example.
Now, let’s say it’s your attention. You’re in a conversation, working or watching something. You’re focused, and someone asks, “Hey, can I ask you something real quick?” And you respond politely, “Sure, give me a second.” Then you stay engaged in whatever you’re doing. That is your no, delivered through your behavior. And then you watch. If they wait, great. But if they try to talk over you or act offended or hijack the moment, they’re not reacting to the moment; they’re reacting to the resistance. They’re trying to override your position to secure the supply.
Suggested Book: Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse.
Energy boundary example.
Now, let’s say it’s your energy thereafter. There are just a few minutes left in a Zoom call, and you’re wrapping it up, and people are saying goodbye. That’s when they drop it: “I mean, not that anyone really cares, but I cried in the bathroom for an hour this morning.” Silence. This isn’t someone asking for support, because when someone truly needs care, they don’t wait until the final moment of a meeting when no one has time or energy to help them. But this is a super common narcissistic tactic. They wait until the exit, and then they drop something heavy to force emotional investment.
So, here’s how you test it. In that moment, you don’t dive in. You don’t reopen the conversation. You just hold the line politely. You can nod or say something nice to them, like, “I’m sorry you’re going through that.” But then you close the meeting as planned. Again, this is about your behavior. It’s about your action ending the meeting. That’s your no—calm, clear, behavioral. You can always check in with them later if it feels right.
But then you watch. If they let it go, the moment ends. If they escalate, drop into pity, double down, or shift into blame, saying something like, “I knew you wouldn’t have time for me now,” they’ve shown you what they’re really after. They’re not after help. They don’t need support. They want to extract. They want to dominate so they can get that emotional supply that they came for. Just remember, this is a test. They’re pressing to see if your behavior will bend. And it’s a game of chicken. So hold your position and watch what happens. If they back off, you’re good. If they push harder, you’ve got your answer.
Read More: 5 S£xµal Secrets a Narcissist Doesn’t Want You to Know.
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