Behavior check #2: Attention.
To see if they can take your attention, the process is kind of the same. They push buttons to capture your focus. The setup is simple. You’re already focused on something else, like you’re in a conversation, a meeting, watching something, reading, thinking—and that’s when they strike. They might try to text you while you’re busy or follow up again if you don’t answer fast enough. They might pop over unannounced and expect you to stop what you’re doing. They might just cut in on a conversation, stand in your line of sight, or talk over what you’re watching. And then they watch to see if you’re going to drop what you’re doing, to see if you’re easy to pull towards them. If they can break your focus once, they’re going to do it again, and it will escalate.
Related: 10 Lies All Narcissists Tell
Behavior check #3: Energy.
To see if they can feed on your energy, they set up a trap and then watch what you do. The setup is subtle but deliberate. They forget something important, or they act helpless, or they bait you in with drama. They stir up guilt, conflict, or pity just to see how fast you step in. And then they watch to see if you’re going to protect your energy or if you’re going to hand it to them. If you take responsibility for their mess, if you jump in to calm them down, if you explain or soothe or carry what isn’t yours, they know you’re now a source.
The behavior that gives them away.
When you don’t want someone crossing a line around your time, attention, or energy, the key is to say no with behavior. What does that mean? It means your actions must match your words. You hold your position, and then you wait. It’s not the boundary violation that tells you who people are. People with trauma, neurodivergence, or people-pleasing habits might cross a line too, but they’re usually trying to connect, even if it’s clumsy. Others might just feel disappointed or surprised, but they recalibrate and move on.
Suggested Book: It’s Not You _ Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People.
A narcissist, though, you’re going to see it. You’re going to see a flash of irritation, a smirk that immediately drops, a sudden edge in their tone, sarcasm, guilt, or silence. They shift tactics. That’s your cue. They weren’t making a request; they were checking for power. A narcissist crosses the line to dominate, to win, and when they don’t get what they want, they escalate. Because it was never about the boundary, it was about seeing if they could bend your behavior. And if they succeed even once, they’re going to be back.
Time boundary example.
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