Number 4: She holds basic parental duties over your head.
Saying things like, ‘Do you know how much I gave up for you?’ or ‘Think of all the dirty diapers I changed when you were a baby,’ and this list can go on and on and on. And they use things that they did, which again, are basic parental duties. They’re the ones that decided to have the child. Children when they’re really little need a lot of things, right? They call it like the fourth trimester, that first period when you’re firstborn because you can’t fend for yourself at all. It’s actually a lot longer before you can fend for yourself. But a narcissistic mother will hold this over your head as if them doing those things means that you are forever indebted, that you have to do everything that they say because they did these basic things.
Related: Narcissistic Mothers and the Damage they do to Their Children.
And I’m here to tell you that that’s not healthy. Healthy relationships are not built on guilt or feeling like you owe someone. They’re built out of joy and love and respect. And if you want to do something kind for them, you do it because you want to, not because you feel like you owe them forever because they changed your dirty diapers. Because I’m sorry to say, that’s what deciding to be a parent looks like. And it’s not the child’s fault that you decided to bring them into this world. Don’t let that get under your skin. That’s just not true. We don’t owe someone for doing essentially the bare minimum.
Number 5: She doesn’t respect boundaries.
Now, this could be your limits with how long you’re going to talk to them or see them. This could even be, again, going back to them sharing information without your permission. That’s definitely boundary-crossing. But they could also be what abusive language you won’t tolerate. Let’s say you told them, ‘You know if you say this to me, I’m not going to talk to you.’ They’ll continue to do that and continue to try to talk to you that way. And so, any limits that you put on the relationship, they’re not going to approve of them, they’re not going to abide by them, they’re not going to respect them.
And when you pull back as a result to hold that boundary, they will, again, try to push past it or they’ll lash out or they’ll shame you for respecting yourself. ‘How dare you do this to your mother? I can’t believe that you would say that. You’re so disrespectful. You have no idea all the things I’ve done for you.’ They’ll pull out that laundry list and read off all the things that they think you’ve done that was not okay and they believe were disrespectful or hurtful to them. And so just know that anybody in our life, not just a narcissistic mother, but anybody in our life that can’t respect a boundary. Remember, boundaries are not about the request we put in. We can say, ‘Hey, I don’t like it when you talk to me that way.’ But the boundary is actually when you do that, if you keep talking to me that way, I’m going to have to leave or I’m not going to be able to talk to you as often or I’m not going to see you anymore.
Recommended: Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself- By Shahida Arabi.
And doing that thing, not talking to them, not seeing them anymore, that’s the boundary. And if anybody in your life, when you let them know, ‘Hey, if you do that, I’m going to do this,’ and then you do that thing and they get mad or they continue to push past the boundary over and over again, that’s not a healthy relationship. It’s built on guilt and manipulation, and it’s incredibly toxic.
Number 6: They will constantly tell you that you are remembering things wrong, otherwise known as gaslighting.
Now, this usually pertains to our memory of ways that they upset us or hurt us, or things they did that weren’t acceptable. Let’s say they overstepped a boundary and we bring it up. ‘Hey Mom, the reason I’m not talking to you is because you called me an [expletive] again, and I told you if you were going to cuss at me and talk shittily to me, I wasn’t going to be able to talk to you anymore. That’s why.’ And they’ll say something like, ‘No, no, you’re remembering that’s not what happened. You yelled at me first, you called me names, I was only defending myself.’ So, they’ll flip the script, they’ll try to make it seem like they were the ones that were being wounded. They’re always very, very comfortable being the martyr or the one that’s in pain. ‘Oh, woe is me.’ They’re not ever comfortable apologizing, accepting responsibility, and allowing us to express what happened.
Read More: 5 Favorite Sayings of a Narcissist and What They Mean.
And if we grew up in a situation like this, if our mom was like this, it’s most common that we’ll find ourselves in other relationships with these same types of patterns. This could lead us to be people pleasers. Apologizing all the time for things that we had no role in. We’re gonna say sorry because that’s how we were raised. We always just say sorry. It doesn’t really matter, just apologize to make it stop. So just know that’s not how relationships have to go. That’s very unhealthy and a sign that our mom is a narcissist.
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